Here at Breaking Maas, we bring you all sorts of news related to student life in Maastricht. There is news, breaking news, and then, about once a year, there is the sort of news which sends a shockwave across the planet, making everyone forget what they were supposed to do and stare in collective awe or disgust at their television screens. Most people still remember what they were wearing or doing when they heard the news, even years a er it took place, and we believe that ten years from now, all will remember this week, because yet another one of those shock stories occurred: last Wednesday, a collective heartbreak could be heard around the globe when it was announced that Zayn Malik had le One Direction. Those interested in the why and how of this story, we’d like to refer to any teenage girl forum, since this particular blog is already lacking any class whatsoever without discussing those kinds of rumours, but for most teenage girls, the world will never quite be the same. Luckily for them, a quick glance at the papers revealed that several well-known individuals might be able to fill in the hole le by Malik.
Candidate 1 is another hugely popular Englishman who quit the high-profile job which got him a large group of fans – with the minor difference that the individual in this case, Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson, was told by his bosses at the BBC that his contract wouldn’t be renewed. The fact that he is readily available to join the band is a definite plus, but his controversial remarks about German GPS systems always pointing in the direction of Poland, as well as driving around in Argentina with a number plate referring to the Falkands War, hasn’t done his popularity in certain countries any good, making him somewhat unsuitable for the world tours generally undertaken by the boy band. Moreover, his group of fans are perhaps best described as masculine petrol heads, which can’t be said of the average One Direction fan. Our prediction is that, were Jeremy to join the band, the wheels of this musical collaboration would come off quickly.
Candidate 2 is boxing champ Floyd Mayweather jr., who a er years of negotiations, finally agreed earlier this week to meet his rival Manny Pacquiao in the ring later this year. On the plus side, Mayweather has tons of free time – last year saw him boxing for only 72 minutes, but he definitely made them count, earning 90 million Euros in the process. This, combined with the payment of 150 million Dollars for his upcoming match against Pacquiao (who has to se le for a measly 100 million – bummer), earned him the nickname “Money”, a two-syllable noun which is much easier for the average One Direction fan to yell during concerts than “Mayweather”. On the downside however, the boxer recently had a public rant with rapper 50 Cent, who accused Mayweather of being illiterate. If he were to join, it seems highly unlikely that the band would ever join forces with good old “50” to record the album everyone would want to hear.
Candidate 3 is perhaps the most unlikely of all: Dutch Prime Minister Mark Ru e. While not known as a particularly smooth and charismatic leader in the Netherlands, Ru e flew to China earlier this week for a diplomatic mission, and as Dutch newspaper NRC found out, the Chinese absolutely adore him. In between negotiations in which he convinced telecom company Huawei to build a new plant in Eindhoven, he willingly posed for selfies with the locals, who described him as “adorable” and “charming”. Given the enormous marketing potential of a country like China, having a member in the band who has already built a strong
reputation among the Chinese target group, would definitely be helpful. One minor detail: Ru e apparently also still has a country to run, and given the fact that several members of his political party have already been kicked out for having a second job on the side with conflicting interests, he would hardly lead by example if he were to join the band. A solution could be at hand though: Dutch comedian Arjen Lubach has launched a campaign to get himself crowned as Pharaoh of the Netherlands, and since he gathered the legally required 40.000 signatures, this idea now has to be discussed by the government. Those in favour of some Egyptian flavours over in The Hague, can sign the petition over here.
All things considered though, perhaps none of these candidates are really suitable to join the band, but whoever will take over, let’s just for the love of God pray that his name won’t be Justin Bieber. Also, since no one will ever get away with name-checking eiter ABBA, Enrique Iglesias or One Direction in 3 successive blogs, this will probably be the last blog I will be allowed to write, so thanks for the amazing 4 weeks we had together.